Frequently Asked Questions:

 The second rule to follow is that “Internet relationships are quite different from face-to-face relationships.” Unless you meet someone in person, there is NO WAY to know how he or she really is. Chemistry is not transmitted via computer connection.

 UNLESS, you recognize that online relationships are NOT THE SAME as face-to-face relationships and that you have to be ever on your guard for deception. You often have no idea what someone is really thinking when they communicate online because the Net provides the opportunity to keep it secret.

 The Internet Romance Readiness Test will tell you if you are also spending too much time on the Internet. If you are, then you should look for real-world alternatives to the Net.

"Should I pursue my online relationship?"

If you (or the person you met online) are already in a relationship, the last thing you should be doing is pursuing an online relationship-- even if you met by accident. If you are not in a relationship, you may have unmet needs. If you have not taken the Internet Romance Readiness Test to see if you have any unmet needs, do so now. If your physical and emotional needs are needs are not being met, you will misinterpret your feelings accurately.

 If you are not in a relationship and have few unmet needs, then you also have to make sure that your online partner is also not in a relationship and does not have many unmet needs either. Why not have him or her take the test as well?

 If both of you are free and clear of all prior relationships and you both feel that you do not NEED each other to be happy, then you have a number of things to consider first. 

1.      How far away does this person live from you? If things progressed, for how long do you feel you could manage a long-distance relationship?

2.     If you decided that a long-distance relationship could not work, then who would move if you chose to continue it?

3.     If you decided that you would have to move, how would that impact your life?

4.     If you have children (and/or the other person does), how do you feel that they would react to your relationship? How would their lives be affected?

5.     If your relationship does not work out, do you have a back-up plan?

"Is my online relationship considered cheating?"

Cybersex is considered cheating by a great majority of people. It is far from being innocent fun. It can be as damaging to the trust in a relationship as any real-life affair.

 You should ask yourself, "Why do I feel the need to do this?"

 The answer will be, most likely, that you are bored, stresses, or feel that your wife is not giving you what you need. Actually, cybersex has less to do with sexual needs being met than it does with other emotional needs you have that are not being met.

Having cybersex is not going to change your relationship for the better, but it sure can change it for the worse.

"Can you love someone whom you never met?"

Just as you can fall in love with a character in a book or a movie, so, too, can you fall in love with an online "character." The parallels are similar, especially considering that all you really know about a person is what they say which is primarily in writing.

Online relationships are NOT the same as face-to-face ones because you NEVER really know what the other person is like until you spend real time with them in person. When we fall in love with someone on line, sometimes what we fall for is but a fraction of whom they really are.

Keep in mind that there is a difference between "loving" and "being in love."

You can love a man for many different reasons and the way you love two people may never be the same:

• You can love someone for who they are as a person.

• You can love someone for how they treat you.

• You can love someone for who provided support when you needed it.

 BUT, you can also love someone because you need to have someone to love.

 So, to answer you question, "Can you fall in love online?" you would first have to ask yourself "for whom (or what) am I falling?" Too often we fall in love with our own perception of who the other person is (or might be). We never fall in love with the complete person because we have yet to know that person.

"Should I meet my online partner in person?"

If you feel comfortable writing or chatting online, your next step is to talk to the person on the phone. If you are a woman, never give out your phone number. The man should always give his number first. When you do call, try the number on different days and times just to ensure that it is a valid number.

Only after you feel totally comfortable talking to that person on several occasions should you meet him or her in person. However you should take the proper precautions first.

The following recommendations were adapted from http://www.saferdating.com, a site aimed primarily at women using the Internet to find partners. Although they pertain mostly to women, men should heed them as well:

1.      Always Meet in a Public Place.

2.     Always Tell a Friend or Relative.

3.     Never allow yourself to be picked up for the first meeting.

4.     Never leave your personal belongings unattended.

5.     NEVER EVER leave your drink on the bar.

6.     If possible, get a cellular phone

"Can I manage a long-distance relationship?"

The following site can provide you with some suggestions on how to manage a long-distance relationship (LDR): Long Distance Relationships (from Dating.About.com). 

Also, the Counseling Center at the University of Missouri - Rolla advise the following:

The first key to success with long distance relationships is effective communication. It is important for both parties to be able to feel that if they need to talk or write to the other person, communication will be welcomed and met with active communication from the other. The quality of the relationship is more likely to increase if both people develop the ability to share feelings openly with each other. 

The second key to success is a demonstrated commitment to the relationship by both parties. What kind of commitment, and how serious or light it is, will be different for different couples. Being so far apart can be a scary and risky endeavor for most couples, so the third and fourth keys are a willingness to take risks, and the presence of a solid and secure trust between the two people. 

Trust is so important that if it isn't strong, you can make a conscious effort to work on it, both on your own and together. This point leads to the fifth key, independence for each person, with a healthy level of dependence upon each other. When these are present, there is a balance of power in the relationship between both people, and each person can be autonomous but still get emotional needs met by the other person. 

The sixth key element tends to be naturally present, a mutual respect. Finally, none of these other elements can offer the relationship success if the seventh key element is not there, clear expectations on the part of both people. It is so very important that you figure out your own personal expectations of the other person and the relationship, and then discuss them with the other person so that both of you are clear and/or can work out differences in expectations. 

One final point about long distance relationships is that you make time together quality time, and build in some alone time during visits. Do things that draw the two of you closer, rather than emphasize the distance between you.  See Strategies for Coping.

"Should I move to be with my online relationship?"

According to Eve Rasmussen in her article, Should You Relocate For Love (www.mixnmatch.com), some issues you need to ponder if  you are considering relocating:

What kind of life do you imagine for yourself in the new area? You may have found Prince or Princess Charming, but how do you feel about the kingdom? Is this some place that you can envision yourself living out the rest of your days? How do you feel about the quality of life? Take into account the weather, cost of living, access to cultural events, proximity to wilderness, etc. 

How do you plan to set up a support system in the new place? Do you have job prospects there? What about friends or family? Moving is emotionally stressful. You will be parting with people, places, and things that are important to you. How comfortable are you with getting to know new people? You and your companion will need to get used to being together, and you will also be dealing with all the emotions of becoming accustomed to a new place. Think about what you need to do to keep from feeling isolated and lost. 

Will your lifestyle change completely? True love is the best thing in the world, but be sure that something appeals to you about moving to your new area beyond one person. Rural life, for example, may be perfect for your mate, but if you're an urbanite, how long will it keep you happy? Are you excited about living there? Will line dancing in Dallas do it for you when you're used to theatre in New York, or vice versa? Think about how you'll adapt to the local culture and how much of a lifestyle change you're willing to make. If you can't think of a few ways to spend your time, think a little harder about whether this is the right step right now. Also, if, god forbid, you and your partner broke up, would the new area have any redeeming qualities for you? 

How much time have you previously spent in your new area? So, you thought northern Alaska was simply stunning when you visited your love there for a week in the summer, but how are you going to feel about the two hours of daylight in January? It is an issue. Find out as much as you can about this possible new home so you can make an informed decision. 

Will you be accessible to old friends and family? You must set up a new support system of friends in your new area, but old friends and family can never be replaced. Think about how you'll manage keeping in touch. Consider the financial burden if you'll be moving far away from most of the people you know and love. This is especially important if you're planning to start a family in this new place. Are you prepared to get Mom's advice over the phone? 

How are you going to say good bye? For many people, a home town is a big part of your identity. All of the people and activities that make it special to you also make it hard to leave. Relocating means closing a chapter of your life and starting a new one, and your friends and colleagues may not be all that supportive of your decision. How you will respond to adverse reactions? Make a list for yourself of all the pros and cons about moving. It will help you in explaining how you feel. Your best friends just want you to be happy. 

How should you close up your life in the town you're leaving? Moving is a major life change which gives you the freedom and the opportunity to re-evaluate how your life is structured and what's important to you. Take advantage of this contemplative time. If you decide that relocating is what you want to do, tie up your loose ends in your old home. Do the things that you always meant to do there and say all of the things that you'd always planned on saying someday. Keep what you value, but get rid of your dead weight and move on.

"Why did my online relationship end?"

Online relationships can end as quickly as they begin. It is very typical to have what seems like a great relationship, only to have it end when one of the two involved stops communicating. It is like they treat the relationship as if it were a computer game and pull the plug when they are done with it.

The problem is that you have no idea what the other person is doing in real life. Usually one of the two is already involved in a relationship (or is seeking one in their own town) and, when things get hot with the local, the long-distance one gets cancelled.

What happens too often is that the guy or girl is involved in a relationship. Things get a little rocky and ,instead of trying to work things out, they look for a "back-up" relationship just in case their present relationship ends. They get on the Internet looking for a quick fix to their problems at home They make contact with someone and start flirting. Maybe they do this to sooth their own pain. Maybe they do this to intentionally make their b/f or g/f jealous.

Anyway, when things change at home -- either get better or get more involved -- they ditch the online relationship because they do not consider it to be in the same league as their "real" relationship. 

Then, their present relationship falls apart, and they come running back to their "back up" relationship looking to get it going again. Let's face it -- who out there can really compete against local talent? You've heard of the expression, "Out of sight -- out of mind?" It means that because you are not physically there, you are in danger of being replaced by someone who is.

There are many people who are not content to wait for their long-distance person to become a local person. They want to date now and they choose not to "save themselves" for what may be seen as only a "potential" mate.

Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain -- even for those who are totally committed to it. Most of the time, they fail. Basically, you need to have a tough skin if you want to continue looking for long-distance relationships, because, more often than not, they will drop you like a hot potato and leave you broken-hearted. But, they will keep you on a string making you think that you are holding out for them.

"Why can't I let go of my online relationship?"

This is not a simple question with a simple answer, so let us take it step-by-step. Being able to let go of a love interest in a relationship depends on two factors from your developmental history: 

(1) A secure attachment being formed between you and your mother when you were very young. A secure attachment is critical for your emotional development. Insecure attachments mean that the child is unable to be away from the mother for very long without feeling abandoned.

 (2) Having a father who was physically and emotionally available to you while growing up is important for the development of your self-esteem and identity.

 There also had to be unconditional love available from your parents. There should not have been any situation where you had to do something to earn their love. Having to earn love causes a person’s self-esteem to be defined by and dependent on another person. Also, a parent should never withdraw love as a form of discipline.

The reason why it so hard to let go of a love interest is because you fear losing the love you once had or you fear losing the only source of your self-esteem.

"How do I overcome the hurt and rejection I feel?"

According to Tom G. Stevens, PhD, author of BEYOND FEAR OF REJECTION AND LONELINESS TO SELF-CONFIDENCE, you should seek out people who can contribute most to your overall happiness and support you in being the person that you most want to be. These are most likely people who are (or want to be) similar to the type of person you really want to be. You will avoid spending too much time with people who keep you from being more the kind of person you want to be.